Gamechanger. Life-transforming. Groundbreaking. Oh, and our favorite, disruptor. We swear marketing teams all borrow from the same playbook when selling kitchen gadgets as useless as a glass hammer.
The latest gimmick is pancake printers. Who buys a contraption to bake 3D-printed pancakes? It’s a pancake! By the time it hits your lips, it’s already in pieces. Believe us, kids don’t need much to be impressed, and a $2,000 pancake printer isn’t it.
As you know, at Cuss Kitchen, we don’t judge. Well, maybe a little. Kitchens are already chaotic enough. There’s no need to question how far society has come by introducing pointless gadgets.
Remember those late-night ads promising to “slice, dice, julienne” faster than your ex running from commitment? Yeah, most of that junk ends up gathering dust.
Even chefs admit that a shocking number of gizmos are a waste of drawer space. That avocado saver? Please. Just eat the damn avocado before it turns into brown goo.
And don’t get us started on the “as-seen-on-TV” pasta measurers. You don’t need a plastic circle to tell you how much spaghetti you’ll eat. The answer is always “too much.”
Every kitchen requires a villain, and the pressure cooker fits the role. Thanks to decades of urban legends, people are terrified that this thing is going to blow up like a Michael Bay film.
So, can a pressure cooker explode? Well, technically, yes, under rare and seriously unsafe conditions. And we’re not talking sparkles and candles; this is serious Fourth of July fireworks. Pressure cooker explosion injuries are next level.
According to TorHoerman Law, malfunctioning or poorly maintained pressure cookers can cause severe burns and other pressure cooker injuries. Here’s the tea: modern pressure cookers are loaded with safety features. If you’re not being a dumb ass, like not checking the pressure cooker lid or ignoring the excess pressure, you’re probably safe.
Bottom line? Stop treating it like a ticking time bomb. Or, you know, stick to boiling noodles the old-fashioned way if your anxiety can’t handle it.
If there’s one gadget that screams, “I have too much time and money,” it’s the peanut butter stirrer. Yes, the f*ing contraption exists.
Not even Martha Stewart would endorse something so ridiculous that it’s funny.
It’s literally a crank you shove into your jar so you don’t have to deal with “that” natural oil separation. The New York Times writer Lesley Stockton politely called it “unnecessary.” We’ll just call a spade a spade: peak bougie dumb shit. Hey, it is what it is. Sorry, not sorry.
Stick a spoon in the jar like the rest of us peasants. Or, better yet, live dangerously and let the oil float on top. It builds character.
You’re in denial if you claim not to have a graveyard drawer. It’s where gadgets go to die like strawberry hullers, egg separators, and corn strippers.
The saddest part? Most people admit they never even took half these toys out of the box. A BuzzFeed survey found a shocking number of kitchen purchases are still virginal; untouched, unloved, and taking up space.
If you need a gadget just to pit a cherry, you probably don’t like cherries enough to begin with.
Would you rather feel better about all the wasted cash? Let’s get back to basics.
Rural Sprout makes a damn good point: most of us only need a sharp knife, a solid cutting board, a couple of pans, and a spoon. That’s it.
Grandma wasn’t whipping out a “pineapple corer” every Sunday, and guess what? She still got the job done.
So maybe stop treating your kitchen like a Bed Bath & Beyond clearance aisle.
The kitchen gadget that nobody asked for? The mandoline slicer, also known as the reason half of us have suspicious scars on our knuckles.
Sure, it makes perfectly even slices, but so does a knife if you’re not texting while chopping. Which we DO NOT recommend.
Every cooking forum has that one horror story about someone bleeding all over their ratatouille. If you buy one, at least spring for the hand guard unless you want your fingertip as a garnish.
Here’s the wild part: Half these gadgets are supposed to “save time.” What they actually do is add more steps.
That “single-use” crap means more cleaning, more storage, more regret. The only thing they streamline is your path to a kitchen meltdown.
And according to CNET’s chef panel, most of these so-called time-savers collect dust until your next spring cleaning purge.
Take it from your MasturBakers at Cuss Kitchen, life is easier if you just throw that shit away.
